Dating and Relationships

Posts Tagged ‘breaking up’

Breakups happen, sometimes even to good relationships. The causes can range from a one-time argument to a long-term problem that builds momentum over time. In some cases the relationship was not built on a solid enough foundation so the slightest problems can result in major disputes.

Whatever the reason or cause of the breakup, one partner or both will be left feeling hurt and lost. These feelings are demonstrated differently by different people. Some people will openly cry and show their hurt, even openly displaying signs of depression. But others hide the hurt behind outward demonstrations of anger. For some, a display of anger is more acceptable than that of showing hurt or disappointment.

That does not mean that the hurt is not there. In fact, if there is not hurt, then there is little need for anger at all. Regardless of whether the breakup results in acknowledged feelings of hurt, disappointment, or anger, many times the immediate response is to do whatever it takes to get the ex back.

Unfortunately, an immediate response will almost always be a wrong response. When a break up occurs there are certain things that should take place if you want to get your ex back. Luckily, these steps are easy to follow and they work at least 95% of the time. Check them out!

1)    Put some space between you and your ex.

This means that you should give yourself and your ex time to adjust to the situation, and time to think things through before making any attempt at communication.

2)    Analyze the relationship and the problems it had.

Determine what went wrong and if it is possible to make things better. This is an important time. Consider if the relationship is worth the work it will take to make things better.

3)   Work on being nice to yourself. Do things that you enjoy or that you   have neglected while involved in the relationship.

This is a great time to work on self-improvement issues or to rediscover old hobbies. The more you do during this phase the more interesting you will be. That means you will have more to offer when you become involved in a relationship.

4)   Spend time with other people.

Begin by spending time with old friends and family members. Then go out on a few dates. This is not necessarily meant to be a way to find a new dating partner, but rather, it offers you an opportunity to see what it’s like to be with other people. You may find that you enjoy their company more than that of your ex. Regardless, you will be learning more about people and how to get along with them. This is another way to make yourself more interesting.

5)   Now you are probably ready to contact your ex. Simply make a brief phone call and ask for a short meeting (perhaps for coffee or lunch).

Keeping things brief provides a level of comfort in knowing that there is little chance for past issues to come up and if the meeting is uncomfortable it will be short. If things go well with this meeting you can plan another one. Take things slowly and remember to build into the relationship what was missing before.

Unfortunately most of us will experience a horrendous breakup or even a divorce during our lifetime. The truth is losing someone you love is never easy, whether it is through a break up, a divorce, or a death. And it hurts to know that we made a mistake that was so huge that it impacted our lives so drastically. But the good news is a relationship break up leaves room for new growth.

This is not to say that people cannot grow when they are in a committed relationship or marriage, because they can. However, many people, without even noticing it, become a partner instead of an individual. They seek their identity through the relationship. What this means is that without the relationship they feel they are not whole.

The good news is that each of us are individuals and each of us have our own identities and personalities. We have our personal likes and dislikes as well as our interests. However, some of us tend to lose touch with ourselves when we become so enmeshed in a relationship that it consumes our time, thoughts and body. These relationships can either smother us to the point of compliance or to the point of exhaustion – where we have to find an escape route. And this is often the case in relationships that end. Think about that for a moment!

Giving it your all can sometimes be misunderstood to mean ‘giving all of you’. And there is a difference. First of all, before you met your ex you had a life of your own that did not include him/her. There were things about you that made you interesting to your ex. You were a likable and lovable person then and you still are.

I suggest that you use the time after a divorce/break up to get back in touch with who you really are. Take a good look at yourself – on the inside. Then compare that with who you are showing people. Do you love reading novels but gave that up years ago because your partner didn’t like reading? If so – go out to the library or bookstore and get a good book. Have you let yourself gain weight because you have been eating the way that suits your partner? This is the perfect time to develop some healthy eating habits – in fact, why not work on a healthier lifestyle all the way around?

The idea is to use this time as precious time that has been given to you for a purpose. The purpose is what you make it. It can be to rediscover yourself – you know, that little person that lives inside you. Or it can be a time to redefine yourself. If you have become a slob and a disorganized person, this is the ideal time to work on resolving that.

By focusing on you and how you can be the person you want to be you will find that the days will go by, and as time goes on, you will feel less and less stress about the loss of your marriage. You will develop new goals around the new – old you! Your life will become yours again, just as it was before, only better. There’s a saying that everything happens for a reason and it’s true. But sometimes you have to look for the good that is hiding in the midst of something unpleasant to understand that with every new challenge life brings us there’s a new opportunity for growth.