Dating and Relationships

When we meet our ‘true love’ most of us want to spend every minute possible with him or her. We enjoy listening to what they have to say, we overlook their quirky little imperfections – in fact, we adore them. In general, we fantasize about being with this person every day and every night. Our mind starts to wander toward thoughts of the current living arrangements and how to best remedy that. After all, we want nothing more than to wake up each morning with him/her by our side and to go to sleep the same way.

For some people this will immediately bring to mind thoughts about an engagement followed by a wedding, a blissful honeymoon, and a fairytale life forever more. But for others among us, this type of attitude will prompt thoughts about living together. The process is rather simple – one of you will move in with the other and you will become a couple that loves and lives together on a daily basis.

The advantages of this sort of arrangement include the fact that at least initially; the two of you can keep both homes – just in case one week together is all you can stand, the break up won’t leave either of you homeless. Moving in together provides you with all the closeness of being married, but without any of the legal paperwork that bonds you together. There’s no need to plan for a big expensive wedding – you can start your new living arrangements right away.

The bad thing about that is our society is set up to accept ‘married’ couples in a different way than we accept those couples that simply live together. Right or wrong, some people still believe that living together without the benefit of marriage is wrong. Our society and government seem to support this view by making more advantages available to married couples than to others.

The truth is that husband and wife couples get breaks on their taxes, they can cover each other with their insurance plans, and if there is a divorce there are libraries full of books with laws designed for such an occasion. In some cases, it can be simple to end a marriage because there are so many legal alliances one can turn to. But if you live with your partner and things don’t work out the ending can be quite different.

This is largely because the typical laws relating to the dissolution of a marriage do not apply. This can result in loss of property and even a separation from (your partner’s) children that you have come to love. But of course, without the ‘legal’ marriage to deal with, both partners are free to walk away at anytime they choose.

For some couples, this seems to add to the love they feel from their partner – after all, living together is a choice they make on a continuous basis, whereas many married couples live together because they have committed to the marriage and divorces are a lot of work plus they’re expensive. Then again, because couples that are living together have the freedom to walk out the door without returning, many people involved in such relationships feel insecure.

Determining what is right for you and your partner is a personal decision. However, there are pros and cons to both ways of doing things. Before you make a decision that will affect you profoundly, always consider the options as well as the potential outcomes.

Unfortunately most of us will experience a horrendous breakup or even a divorce during our lifetime. The truth is losing someone you love is never easy, whether it is through a break up, a divorce, or a death. And it hurts to know that we made a mistake that was so huge that it impacted our lives so drastically. But the good news is a relationship break up leaves room for new growth.

This is not to say that people cannot grow when they are in a committed relationship or marriage, because they can. However, many people, without even noticing it, become a partner instead of an individual. They seek their identity through the relationship. What this means is that without the relationship they feel they are not whole.

The good news is that each of us are individuals and each of us have our own identities and personalities. We have our personal likes and dislikes as well as our interests. However, some of us tend to lose touch with ourselves when we become so enmeshed in a relationship that it consumes our time, thoughts and body. These relationships can either smother us to the point of compliance or to the point of exhaustion – where we have to find an escape route. And this is often the case in relationships that end. Think about that for a moment!

Giving it your all can sometimes be misunderstood to mean ‘giving all of you’. And there is a difference. First of all, before you met your ex you had a life of your own that did not include him/her. There were things about you that made you interesting to your ex. You were a likable and lovable person then and you still are.

I suggest that you use the time after a divorce/break up to get back in touch with who you really are. Take a good look at yourself – on the inside. Then compare that with who you are showing people. Do you love reading novels but gave that up years ago because your partner didn’t like reading? If so – go out to the library or bookstore and get a good book. Have you let yourself gain weight because you have been eating the way that suits your partner? This is the perfect time to develop some healthy eating habits – in fact, why not work on a healthier lifestyle all the way around?

The idea is to use this time as precious time that has been given to you for a purpose. The purpose is what you make it. It can be to rediscover yourself – you know, that little person that lives inside you. Or it can be a time to redefine yourself. If you have become a slob and a disorganized person, this is the ideal time to work on resolving that.

By focusing on you and how you can be the person you want to be you will find that the days will go by, and as time goes on, you will feel less and less stress about the loss of your marriage. You will develop new goals around the new – old you! Your life will become yours again, just as it was before, only better. There’s a saying that everything happens for a reason and it’s true. But sometimes you have to look for the good that is hiding in the midst of something unpleasant to understand that with every new challenge life brings us there’s a new opportunity for growth.

When we first begin a relationship our life partner we are likely to want to spend every possible moment with our new mate. Most of us find this new person irresistible, we simply cannot get enough of them. During this initial phase we are learning about them, and for most of us we are hanging on every word they say and listening intently. Most people feel full of joy and see life through rose colored glasses during this stage. This stage, not surprisingly, is referred to as ‘the Honeymoon’ stage.

The stage of a relationship is a phase of discovery. We have become accustomed to seeing our partner so some of the initial excitement is over. During this stage we discover each other’s little quirks and things that make the person human. This phase is when most couples begin to really open up to one another on a consistent basis about their deep thoughts and feelings. Emotional intimacy can become a true reality during this phase.

Once you have come this far most couples agree that it is time to commit to each other. After all, they feel very comfortable with each other and they have shared intimate details about their lives with one another. They have acknowledged that each of them have flaws but they’ve accepted them.

The fourth stage is sometimes referred to as the ‘Power Struggle’ phase. This is the stage where many couples give up – they end their relationship. Power struggles are never comfortable and they are difficult to work through. They usually seem to come from out of nowhere, leaving the partners wondering what went wrong. This is one of those times that the partners have to remember that magical word called ‘compromise’. Communication is vital during such phases.

After the power struggle is resolved the couple will probably move into a stage of growth where feelings of intimacy between them are intensified and the bonds are stronger than ever. Each has learned something new about the other and hopefully each has accepted his/her feelings and views. Because they have weathered a storm together and come through it still holding hands the couple is more in love than ever. It’s great food for the soul.

And not surprisingly, this newfound intimacy often leads to a second phase of what many call a Honeymoon stage. The couple feels great about being together and the bonds are stronger than ever. In the best and healthiest relationships this phase will last indefinitely.

So what was left out? Well, lots of things really. There are phases that focus on such things as having kids, or starting a new business, or any other project that is time and thought demanding. The reason the couple will go through changes during such times is because as one or both partners is giving time and attention to a baby, a new job, a new business, or whatever, the other partner may feel left out, lonely, ignored, neglected, or even jealous. And when that happens the partners have to work through the difficulties and find common ground and compromises that work for both of them.

There are also stages that focus on hardships that could include almost anything that one or both partners finds disturbing. Sometimes it is as tragic as a death of a parent, sibling or child, and other times it may be bankruptcy or health issues that must be addressed.

The reality is that relationships consist of living beings that are closely connected. Relationships themselves take on a life of their own. They have to be nurtured and cared for if they are to thrive. People in the relationships need to understand that there will be phases to their relationship and this is the normal progression of things. This understanding will make the ups and downs of life and how they affect the couple easier to accept. In the end, the couple is likely to learn that each change can be an opportunity for bringing them closer and making their bonds stronger.

Keeping the romance alive after kids can be such a difficult thing to do because responsibilities have taken a much wider margin than romance.  You have bills to pay, kids to pay attention to, chores to do and for reason or the other, you are just too tired to be romantic.

Couples are emotionally and physically drained as taking care of children takes its toll on your relationship. Sleep deprivation, lack of privacy, no more romantic getaways and unhurried and unscheduled sex. We just have to take care of the kids first, and many times our personal wants and needs end up being put on hold.

Reawaken the flame by following a simple list I have conjured up.

1. Call each other pet names like when you were still going out, AVOID Mom or Dad. Calling each other as such spells responsibility not sexiness.  You have to strive to be a bit more romantic than before.

2. Take the stress away after a hard day’s work by greeting them with a kiss and hug and ask how their day went. Show more caring behavior when they arrive home before the conversation shifts to the kids. Let him/her know that keeping your marriage strong is vital to maintaining the family bonds that are important to you. Tell your husband/wife that the love is still there, even if the romance must be postponed from time to time.

3. Be a little naughty in planning on how to spend the time alone with them.

4. Place small notes in lunches you prepare for them, they could be flirty messages or anything that creates anticipation.

5. Be creative in making love by buying sexy lingerie, making love on the porch under the moonlight bliss. Experiment with sex a lot to keep the love juices flowing.

6.  Make any dull moment magical and remind each other often and in countless ways that you still love them through the years.

7. Tuck the kids early to bed while planning something really naughty afterwards.

Like the majority of most married couples with kids, if you think about it you spend more time commuting and spending time outside the home rather than with your significant other.  In this demanding world of ours with couples concentrating on responsibilities, multiple priorities and distractions along the way, we tend to put aside our most significant other.

Meet and plan at least once a week, once a month or an annual getaway to spend some quality time with each other to keep the spark alive. Take turns in planning out dates for each other. And if your in-laws are really nice maybe they could just take care of the grandkids for a little while so you can date.

All it takes is just a little ingenuity and commitment from each of you to keep the love alive, that’s what’s important.

No matter who you, or what stage of life you’re in, or whether you are married, engaged, living with a partner, or you just met someone, or even are hoping to meet someone – we all have one thing in common; all of us start out alone. Before each and every relationship we have at least some alone time.

I believe the alone time is probably some of the most valuable time we ever get. This time allows us an opportunity to get to know ourselves and knowing we really know who we are we can better contribute to others in our life and to the world in general.

I’m not talking about hocus pocus or make believe stuff here. I’m talking about knowing what is truly important in our own world. You could start out with a focus on such things as ethics, morals, and even religious beliefs. These are some of the things that are at the core of who we are. Our true understanding of these issues in ourselves can serve to help us choose someone that is compatible.

Let’s face it, few of us would choose to partner up with a thief.  But how do you feel about a partner that would do such things as keep extra change that was mistakenly handed to him/her after a purchase. Or what about cheating on a test? For some of us these things are acceptable, but for others they are not.

I believe life is full of lessons. Some lessons we learn because we seek out knowledge and understanding, and other times it simply happens. I also believe that we can learn something from everyone we meet. And because I believe that way it is easier to deal with lots of situations. This includes even situations like finding out a partner is cheating or even making the discovery that a relationship is simply not going to work.

You see, even the wrong partner has a valuable lesson to teach, and that doomed relationship takes us closer to the one that we really want.

When we really seek to learn what we can from the individuals in our life we learn more about ourselves. One way to do this is to try to imagine being that other person and how he/she must feel about various issues. Try to determine what makes them tick and to understand then why they behave or do the things they do. Believe me, you will learn much about yourself, as well as the psychology of behaviors.

After you figure exactly the type of person that you want as a partner the next step is make yourself the ideal person for that individual. I know this sounds hokey, but think about it; if this other person is as special as you want them to be, then they want and deserve a wonderful partner, right? It only makes sense to work at turning yourself into that person. But be prepared to work at this. It could require giving up some bad habits or simply becoming more fit by taking better care of yourself.

Most of us have been in this situation at one time or another; we have a good friend that we are very close to, in fact, we have become so close to this friend that the friendship feels like much more. How do you know when the friendship has become an affair or a relationship?

On the surface this may seem very simple. You will say that a friendship is when two people are just that – they are friends and nothing more. But does it make a difference how close these friends can be if the friends involved in this friendship have partners? After all, some people use the ole line of saying that they are only friends to cover up an affair or relationship.

In essence, if we have any association with a person, we have a relationship with them. The association can then be defined as a friendship, working relationship, etc. Speaking of working relationships, we spend more of our waking hours with the people we work with than we do our family and friends. There simply isn’t any choice if we are working full time.

That makes it very easy to develop strong ties with those individuals – especially if we also go out to lunch with them and socialize with them after work hours. The point is that these people can become a very important part of our life. So where do we draw the line? Or do we allow our partners to set the boundaries?

First things first: it is true that friendships sometimes develop that are intense. For whatever reason the ‘friends’ are attracted to each other in more than a casual sense and have desires. Let’s be frank, as a human being one can sense when there is a physical attraction. Whether this is pheromones or simply due to the appearance and mannerisms of the partners involved, the attraction between the two is sensed. Deciding whether to act on it is what matters.

Every couple should have a discussion about what is and isn’t acceptable as far as friendships and flirting goes. In reality, having friends of all kinds is a good thing. It offers the opportunity to get insights from a variety of people which can broaden one’s way of thinking. Some couples are very open to outside friends and others are not. Extreme jealousy can often cause problems in a relationship.

Is flirting with others okay? Does it mean your partner wants someone else? When you see your partner flirt with someone else it may startle you and even hurt your feelings. But think about this: flirting in and of itself is harmless. It can be fun and make us feel good about ourselves when it is reciprocated. Why not let your partner have a little fun? Of course, if the action is a regular behavior then it can become annoying – but still rather harmless.

When a new relationship begins we are enthralled with the possibilities of what the future may hold. After all, it seems we have found someone that we really connect with – someone that we can love and who loves us back. And for most people, this early stage in the relationship, the honeymoon phase, is fun, interesting, and seems as though it will never end. But sadly, for many couples, the newness wears off and the romance subsides sooner than they would like.

So what goes wrong? Is it that the partners become too comfortable with each other and therefore they take advantage of each other’s good nature? Or does the love slowly dissipate for other reasons?

From personal experience I can tell you that any number of things can happen. Taking each other for granted is very common. The fact is that in the beginning we are thrilled to have a new person in our life. We do whatever we can to spend time with that person. And we are more tolerant of his or her strange ways; in fact, we may find those little quirks to be cute or to make that person special.

But for many of us as time goes on we eventually realize that those same ‘cute little things’ that made our new partner unique become annoying. And instead of appreciating our partner for the individual that he or she is, we begin to accept the fact that the person is a part of our life and that person simply has some annoying habits that we would like to change.

Obviously, this is unfair. All of us are unique and all of us have personality quirks. We do not expect that someone will ever ask us to change our little quirks. Let’s face it, being accepted just the way we are is important to us.

Another thing that happens is that we expect our partner to make us happy. That is so unfair! The reality is that each of us are responsible for our own happiness. We need to work at finding happiness and let that shine through in our relationships with others.

Jealousy is often a culprit in relationships. Knowing and understanding what each partner deems as acceptable in the relationship is vital to a lasting relationship.

If couples work at respecting each other from the start for who they really are the likelihood that the relationship will last is greatly improved. It’s often when one or both partners begin expecting changes that trouble begins.

Relationships with a solid foundation can survive even the hardest of times. The need is that the relationship be based on a true friendship that is given without conditions. Unconditional love, as it is referred to, is a love that accepts the other person just as they are. There are no requirements other than love and friendship.

Such relationships strengthen over time. In other words, as they age and season, the partners grow to respect each other even more. And in that way, the relationship continues getting better with age.

Have you noticed how many online dating services exist? There are now dating services available for special interest groups, nearly every ethnic group and culture, as well as one for every religion. The amazing thing is that these services are well liked by many and they seem to be making matches that work.

In decades gone by, if we wanted to meet a partner we would go to social events and church services, meet friends of friends and that sort of thing. Nowadays, people still meet that way but the era of technology has caught up with our emotions.

Many of us now prefer meeting someone online long before we make the commitment of an actual face to face meeting. The Internet allows us a certain sense of anonymity while providing us the freedom to say whatever we want.

This is both a positive and a negative. First of all, because we can say whatever we want or happens to be on our mind, we can feel secure in revealing our inner self while keeping a safe distance from the person we are sharing this information with.

But at the same time, we can also be very deceptive. It’s all relative to one’s sense of values and personality. The mask of the Internet provides the perfect opportunity to be whoever or whatever we want to be at the moment or to a particular person. Obviously, this can result in problems if the relationship continues.

Finding out that the person you have developed feelings for is not who you thought they were is nothing new – but with online dating, the truth can be totally different from what you were led to believe. However, there is an advantage with quality online dating services, in that they do screen applicants and because a fee is involved it is less likely that someone will simply be there to play games.

Fast forward to the year 2050 and where do you see dating practices being? I predict that by that time we will do most everything via the Internet or something even better. Therefore, meeting partners in the old, traditional ways will be passé and almost non-existent. Instead, it will become the norm to simply shop for a partner when you are ready for a relationship. For better or worse, I think I might like that kind of world!

Because of the circumstances, online dating usually begins with the exchange of letters. Many guys have trouble writing letters or even notes that they are proud of. This is usually not a problem, but when your entire relationship may be at stake, the ability to write a captivating letter is important.

An important key point in making a letter reader friendly is keeping it on the positive and bright side. Try to focus on good things, rather than the negatives in your life.

Keeping the format friendly is always important in written content. Remember that the reader cannot see the expression on your face so you have to let your emotions come through in the words you use.

Although you may enjoy using nicknames with your dating partners and lovers, in your first letter and the next few it is best to use compliments rather than nicknames. As time goes on you may then begin to use nicknames that are fitting.

Staying with the positive and cheerful format, talk about fun things. This means you should think about the things in your life that are enjoyable. Discuss the positive reasons that you believe online dating is a good thing. Instead of saying things like, ‘with online dating anyone can meet a partner’, say, ‘online dating is great; it seems to attract the most awesome people’.

The difference in those statements is more psychological than anything. But consider how each of them can make the reader feel. The second one leaves the impression that you believe she is an awesome person. It’s a great way to compliment her without coming straight out and saying she’s awesome.

Keep the letter interesting. Depending on your personality and lifestyle you could discuss things like the following:

ü      Your favorite books or movies (include briefly what makes them so special)

ü      The most exciting or adventurous thing you have ever done (a short story perhaps)

ü      A description of the home you live in

ü      What a great day in your life would be like

ü      How your friends would describe you

ü      Your favorite season and why

ü      Your typical or favorite way to dress

ü      Your favorite music and why

ü      Talk about a vacation from the past or planned for the future

Well, I think you get the idea. You really need to tell enough about yourself to keep things interesting without going into so much detail that it becomes boring. In other words, you should leave room for questions.

Ideally you will get a response that includes requests for more details about some of the things you have discussed. For instance, if you said that your favorite book was “Twilight” because it was action packed, your new friend could ask you what it is about action that you like or even suggest another book that might interest you. In essence, a written conversation could be built.

How do you measure the success of your relationship? Does its success depend on what other people think of you as a couple or on how the two of you get along when no one else is around?

Let’s face it, few of us have the perfect relationship – in fact, does anyone even know what it means to have the perfect relationship? I guess before that question can be answered we have to begin by defining what a perfect relationship would be and there really isn’t a single answer to that.

For instance, if you happen to be a sports fan you would probably appreciate a partner that either enjoys sports or is at least tolerant of your obsession/hobby. The same is true of any other past times. I spend a lot of time on the computer so my partner has to accept that.

Those types of things are sometimes obvious but what aren’t quite so obvious are things like meeting someone that we really like that has different moral standards than we do. I’m not talking about falling in love with a serial killer or anything drastic like that – what I’m referring to are what some might think of as little things, like not telling a store clerk when they give us too much change or even cheating on a test of some sort.

Believe it or not, even those things that seem small in the beginning can add up over time. Eventually they can seem very important and take on a life of their own. It’s likely that the first few incidences will be overlooked but as they happen time and again you will begin to question your partner’s character in other areas. This may or may not be fair to your partner because it is likely that these are his/her only faults, and let’s face it, none of us are perfect.

Some people measure the success of their relationship by the financial status the couple achieves. In other words, their basic goal is to have a nice home, car, clothes, other material possessions, and enough money to take vacations, etc. While most of us enjoy those things they hardly insure a quality relationship.

This may sound strange at first thought, but… when we do anything important in life we begin with a plan. If we are starting a new career we plan it out. If we are moving we start with a plan. But when we begin a relationship it seems that we lose sight of the importance of planning. We simply jump in and fly by the seat of our pants into oblivion, hoping that everything will turn out just the way we want it to.

A simple plan for the type of relationship we want would help set us up for success. If we know what we want we can work toward getting it. Plans start with goals and then all that is needed are the steps that will get us to those goals. It’s a simple formula, but it does work.